The Story From A Vat Of Mayonnaise
by Rofloxooov
Summary: Not sure of the rating, but it's the LotR characters mixed in a Wizard of Oz plot! Includes random Monty Python, Shrek, and other funny stuff. Please R&R!!
1. Insanity Amongst the Hobbits

The Story from a Vat of Mayonnaise  
  
DISCLAIMER:  
  
I do not own any of the characters or ideas or skits or phrases from the following:  
  
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien  
  
Any of the various Monty Python sketches  
  
Other random funny stuff  
  
WARNING  
  
If any of you are offended by or dislike slapstick humor, corny and not-so- corny jokes, and words like necrophiliac, hermaphrodite, or bisexual, do not read this story.  
  
However, if you do not care (or even if you do), PLEASE read my story! Read it! Love it! Review it! Now, without much further ado, The Story from a Vat of Mayonnaise!  
  
A/n: there will eventually be more than just the five characters in this story, so don't be mad if your fave isn't there…yet…  
  
|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~ |~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|  
  
1 Chapter I  
  
Insanity Amongst the Hobbits  
  
Frodo, the resident "main-man coolio hobbit" (as he put it), was sitting in the living room of Bag End, with his best buddy Samwise, who also was self-proposed as "coolio hobbit", and his cousins, Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck, who was silly, and Peregrin (Pippin or Pip) Took, who had a nasty habit of speaking in random phrases, which Merry usually had to translate. Just then, Gandalf rushed in.  
  
"Yo, Gandalf my homy! Wazzup?!" Frodo said.  
  
"Trouble at the mill!" said Gandalf.  
  
"Oh no," said Merry, "what kind of trouble?"  
  
"I don't know, Mr. Wenworth told me to say there was trouble at the mill, that's all. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquistion…" said Gandalf.  
  
*a random Spanish guy from the 17th Century bursts into the room*  
  
*large whomp sound heard in background*  
  
"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise...our TWO weapons are fear, and surprise, and the ruthless efficiency…our THREE weapons are fear, and surprise, and the ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope, as…amongst our weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless ef…amongst our weaponry are such elements as fe…I'll come in again…" he yelled.  
  
"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition…" Gandalf said, once again.  
  
*leaves and comes in the same way*  
  
"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as, a fear, a surprise, a ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope, and a night out with the neighbor, oh drat…Cardinal Fang, read the charges!" said the Spanish guy.  
  
"Vun pound for uh fool sketch, tventy-four pee for a quickie." said Cardinal Fang.  
  
"What'll ya have?" said the Spanish guy.  
  
"Sketch please." said Pippin.  
  
*cash register ping sound is heard*  
  
"Well, now that that's over, I just heard some wonderful news," Gandalf said.  
  
"Really? What?" Merry asked.  
  
"I heard that there's this place you can go, and there's this wizard, and he can fix all of your problems in life!" Gandalf exclaimed.  
  
"Well, it would be spiffy to cure Pip's insanity…" Merry said.  
  
"And I'm pretty sure Sam and I would kinda like to lose the coolio hobbit mindset…" Frodo added.  
  
"Wonderful!" Gandalf said. "Let's set out immediately!"  
  
"All right!" said all hobbits but Pippin.  
  
"No more Cheez Doodles!" Pippin exclaimed.  
  
"Huh?" Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf asked.  
  
"He says, 'People will finally understand me!'" Merry translated.  
  
NARRATOR:  
  
And so, the five friends set off to see the wizard, who conveniently was in Middle-earth. In the next chapter, the perilous journey will continue to unfold…  
  
|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~ |~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|  
  
Next chapter as soon as I can write it! I promise! And in your reviews, could you kindly add some tips or stuff to put in, and tell me if it's even worth reading. 


	2. Scene 24

The Story from a Vat of Mayonnaise  
  
DISCLAIMER:  
  
I do not own any of the characters or ideas or skits or phrases from the following:  
  
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien  
  
Any of the various Monty Python sketches  
  
Other random funny stuff  
  
WARNING  
  
If any of you are offended by or dislike slapstick humor, corny and not-so- corny jokes, and words like necrophiliac, hermaphrodite, or bisexual, do not read this story.  
  
However, if you do not care (or even if you do), PLEASE read my story! Read it! Love it! Review it! Now, without much further ado, The Story from a Vat of Mayonnaise!  
  
A/n: there will eventually be more than just six characters in this story, so don't be mad if your fave isn't there…yet…  
  
|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~ |~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|  
  
Chapter II  
  
Scene Twenty-Four  
  
NARRATOR:  
  
As we begin to follow our heroes through their journey, they have already encountered Aragorn, also known as Strider, who has joined them on their quest. Now, not more than a swallow's flight away, we join them. That's an unlaiden swallow's flight, of course. They were really two laiden swallow's flights away, four actually…  
  
Large crowd of people with no relevance to story: GET ON WITH IT!!  
  
1 On to scene 24, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, and although there aren't any swallows, I think you can hear an…AGH!!  
  
*narrator's head is chopped off*  
  
"So, Aragorn, remind us why you're coming," Merry said.  
  
"Well, as I told you before, I happen to be a necrophiliac." Aragorn replied.  
  
"Oh…well I figure we shall just have to avoid dying, will we not?" Gandalf said.  
  
"Thanks Gandalf. And would you please remind us why you're coming?" Aragorn retorted.  
  
"Well, aside from the fact that I'm the only one who knows where this wizard fellow is, i…erm…well…um…I'm a…triskaidekaphobic." Gandalf looked rather embarrassed.  
  
"You really have a fear of the number 13? That's hilarious. Anyway, this march is getting kinda boring. Anyone know any weird and/or pointless songs or poems?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"I do!" Merry shouted.  
  
"Ok, let's hear it."  
  
"Alright…here goes…"  
  
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.  
  
But half the bee, has got to be, a vis-à-vis its entity…you see? Singing:  
  
A la dee dee, a 1, 2, 3, Eric the Half a Bee! A, B, C, D, E, F, G, Eric the Half a Bee!  
  
Is this a wretch of any bee, half asleep upon my knee, some freak from a menagerie?  
  
No! It's Eric the Half a Bee! Ho, ho, ho, tee hee hee, Eric the Half a Bee!  
  
I love this hive employee-e, bisected accidentally, one summer, afternoon by me, I love him, cannily!  
  
He loves him cannily! Semi-cannily…The End.  
  
"So, how was it?" Merry asked.  
  
"Yo Merry! That was one coolio song, G!" Frodo said.  
  
"Umm, thanks Frodo, I guess." said Merry.  
  
"I like mayonnaise!" Pippin added.  
  
"He says, 'Yes, your story was good too!'" Merry translated. "I think it's time to set up camp for the night."  
  
"Yes Meriadoc, I believe you are right." Gandalf said.  
  
NEW NARRATOR:  
  
And so, the six companions made camp for the night. Though they had been marching all day, they were only about 3.14159627 miles from where they started. In the next chapter, the perilous journey will continue to unfold…  
  
|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~ |~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|  
  
Well, that was strange…new chapters will be posted as they are finished. I may be a bit slow with new ones this week (March 3-9) because I rented Sonic Adventure 2 Battle for GameCube, so I'm preoccupied. Anyway, here's a few phrases or words that you may not know that will help you understand the chapter better:  
  
Necrophiliac [neekro-fill-ee-ack]- a person who has erotic interest in or copulation with corpses  
  
Ipso facto [ipso-fakto]- by the fact  
  
Vis-à-vis [viz-ah-vee]- a counterpart  
  
Menagerie [men-ager-ee]- a collection of wild animals  
  
In your reviews, please tell me:  
  
-if you'd like the chapters to be longer, shorter, the same, or if you don't care how long they are  
  
- any spelling mistakes (don't tell me about grammar mistakes, cuz I may have done something wrong for a reason)  
  
-whether or not you like the story  
  
-what rating you think it should have (G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17)  
  
-any help will be well taken!  
  
Bye, adios, aloha, auf Weidersehen, namárië, ciao, and any other ways to say goodbye 


	3. Many Meetings

The Story from a Vat of Mayonnaise  
  
DISCLAIMER:  
  
I do not own any of the characters or ideas or skits or phrases from the following:  
  
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien  
  
Any of the various Monty Python sketches  
  
Other random funny stuff  
  
WARNING  
  
If any of you are offended by or dislike slapstick humor, corny and not-so- corny jokes, and words like necrophiliac, hermaphrodite, or bisexual, do not read this story.  
  
However, if you do not care (or even if you do), PLEASE read my story! Read it! Love it! Review it! Now, without much further ado, The Story from a Vat of Mayonnaise!  
  
A/n: all of the characters will eventually be in this story (all of the main ones anyway), so don't be mad cuz your fave isn't there…yet…  
  
|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~ |~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|  
  
1 Chapter III  
  
Many Meetings  
  
NARRATOR:  
  
The group has just reached the Elvish refuge of Rivendell. They have spent one night already, and are acquiring a few new members to their group. Now, we join them once again…  
  
The members of the traveling group, as well as Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, Gimli son of Gloin, Boromir, Arwen Undómiel and her father Elrond Half-Elven, had gathered in a sort of mini-council.  
  
"We," said Gandalf, "would like to know if any of you would like to join us in our quest. Once we reach this wizard, you may have any of your problems fixed. Will you join us?"  
  
"I will join," said Legolas, "for I would greatly like to be rid of my fear of chickens."  
  
"So that's why you ran away from the dinner last night…" Aragorn realized.  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid you're right. It all started when I had my first encounter with the beast known as the chicken. It bit my leg, I still have the scar. Since then, every wild chicken I have seen has attacked me. Mind you, chicken bites can be pretty nasty. So, since then, I have had this fear that a chicken will hurt me worse." Legolas explained.  
  
"Well then , I am glad that that is cleared up." Gandalf continued. "Would anyone else like to join us on our quest?"  
  
"I'll go." Gimli stated. "I hate to admit it, but I'm a hermaphrodite."  
  
*everone backs about 5 feet away from him*  
  
"I know it's nasty, but it'll soon be fixed." Gimli pronounced.  
  
"Interesting. Would anyone else like to come?" Gandalf asked again.  
  
"Well, I happen to be gay, so I think I'll come," Boromir stated.  
  
"Right. This is your last chance to come with us." Gandalf asked once more.  
  
"We'll come," said Arwen and Elrond.  
  
"I have agoraphobia, and since my home is comprised of open spaces, I'd like if I wasn't afraid to cross the bridge over there." Elrond said.  
  
Arwen, who was a crack whore, said "I'd like to get off the drugs, but being a whore is too much fun, isn't it boys?" she motioned to Legolas, Aragorn and the hobbits.  
  
"ARWEN UNDOMIEL!" Elrond (her father) yelled, "I THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER AND I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT NONSENSE!!"  
  
"Oh daddy, why do you try to get me to stop? You know I never will," she said seductively.  
  
"Fine. But I don't want to hear about any problems." Elrond agreed.  
  
NARRATOR:  
  
And so, they set off from Rivendell, heading towards Lothlórien, continuing their quest. Now, we skip forward to about 1.1348582 days into their journey. They are nearing Khazad-dûm (the Mines of Moria). Let us join them again…  
  
"Merry," said Aragorn, "I remember that on the way to Rivendell you sang a nonsensical song. Do you think that you could sing another one?"  
  
"Surely," Merry said, "It's called 'I Bet You They Won't Play This Song On The Radio' and I heard it one day back in Hobbiton. Here goes:"  
  
I bet you they won't play this song on the radio, I bet you they won't play this new – song.  
  
It's not that it's – or – controversial, just that the – ing words are awfully strong.  
  
You can't say – on the radio…or – or – or --!  
  
You can't even say I'd like to – you someday…unless you're a doctor with a very large --.  
  
So I bet you they won't play this song on the radio, I bet you they – ing won't program it.  
  
I bet you the – ing old program directors will think it's a load of horse -- .  
  
*clapping and laughing from all*  
  
"That was great! Where do you learn all of these?" Aragorn said.  
  
"Places…" Merry said.  
  
NARRATOR:  
  
And so, the ten companions made camp for the night. Legolas, Aragorn and Merry headed for Arwen's tent once the others were asleep, and unusual noises were heard from her tent all night. In the next chapter, their perilous journey will continue to unfold…  
  
|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~ |~|~|~|~|~|~|  
  
Well, that was strange…new chapters will be posted as they are finished. I may be a bit slow with new ones this week (March 3-9) because I rented Sonic Adventure 2 Battle for GameCube, so I'm preoccupied. Anyway, here's a few phrases or words that you may not know that will help you understand the chapter better:  
  
Agoraphobia [ah-gore-ah-fo-bee-ah]- abnormal fear of crossing open places  
  
In your reviews, please tell me:  
  
-if you'd like the chapters to be longer, shorter, the same, or if you don't care how long they are  
  
- any spelling mistakes (don't tell me about grammar mistakes, cuz I may have done something wrong for a reason)  
  
-whether or not you like the story  
  
-what rating you think it should have (G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17)  
  
-any help will be well taken!  
  
Bye, adios, aloha, auf Weidersehen, namárië, ciao, and any other ways to say goodbye 


End file.
